Satire

Drafting the 22nd century competencies

The WW-P mission prizes academic excellence and growth above all else. Students must push themselves further, and prepare for the world ahead. That is why, 15 years into the 21st century, the students of WW-P are ready for the competencies of the future. So without further adieu, the 22nd Century Competencies are as follows:

 

Effective Social Communicator: AKA are you literate in abbreviated text talk?  Students must be capable of interpreting and implementing shortcuts such as “OMG,” “LOL,” and “G2G.”  With the growth of social media, appropriate communication via Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram are necessities.  School-related subtweets as well as Vines are also vital for effective communication, but emojis are an even more fundamental tool.  Both variety and context are extremely important in this emoticon portion, so be sure to load them into your next email to your teacher.

 

Minimal Effort Researcher: Students must have the ability to master the art of “Googling” to retrieve information.  It’s of the utmost importance that students are able to discern inappropriate links from valid sources such as Wikipedia.  Students need to learn how to look up a topic in the index and table of contents of a related book and summarize the content without losing any information.

 

Delegation of Problem Solving: This competency relates mostly to creativity.  Your printer is broken?  No, don’t email your teacher or print it at the library;  instead weave the most intricate pattern of text messages, emails, and Fedex packages to  friends of friends until you find someone you barely know to print your essay.  Boom!  Problem solved, competency achieved.

 

Global Mogul: The goal is for students to stay updated on trending topics on Twitter, which are 100 percent indicative of global events and situations.  Additionally, students are instructed to keep a well-regarded news channel playing on the TV in the background of all regular actions with the hope that they will subconsciously become more aware of so-called “current events.”  But of course, the average WWP-er is still doing homework during prime-time news, so late-night shows with vaguely accurate news are sufficient.

 

Hunger Games Ready: Students must be able to work well with other students.  When team members (inevitably) fight, how are the sides split?  Do you have the upper hand in the group, the largest following within the group, or is your opponent winning the day?  Students must also know how to fool the rest of the class and the teacher into thinking their team is a cohesive body.  The key is to master the art of being the group slacker, i.e. do the least amount of work possible while staging a successful coup and being in complete control of your team.  The world is a competitive place, and school needs to prepare you for that.

 

Literate PARCC Test-taker: This competency measures the student’s ability to succeed in all parts of the PARCC assessment.  This not only relates to how well one does on the actual exam but also takes into account the following: how well a student can remedy any inevitable Wi-Fi issues, how adept the student is at logging into the system (does the student—God forbid—log in to Chrome, or go directly to Apps?), and whether or not the student has memorized the “Click to Test Audio” jingle and can play it on the piano.  Seeing as the PARCC assessment is the most important test of our time, we feel that this competency is absolutely essential in 22nd century citizens.

 

Successful Netflix Binge-Watcher: The life of a WW-P student is filled with stress.  So how good are you at burning of steam by sitting statically for 4 hours?  In conjunction, how much work can you procrastinate on while becoming addicted to this habit?  Balancing these two tendencies is the key to success in high school.

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