The Knightly News

Actor/director/renaissance man Clint Eastwood, compelled by the infuriating Oscar snub of what he calls “indisputably the greatest film ever made,” American Sniper, has now embarked on an even more ambitious project, with an even more impressive subject: himself.

“It all went down like this: I thought, if that damn communist Abe Lincolnlogs got a three-hour movie and a best actor award,” Eastwood mused, “why shouldn’t I, a living legend with real American spirit, sweep the entire awards season?”

Eastwood will write, direct, and star in his own “absolutely, completely true” autobiographical film, which documents his personal war with the Soviet Union (which he of course won), and his single-handed tracking and murder of Osama bin Laden, as well as his ongoing conflict with the living antichrist, Barack Obama. (“I guess that makes me Jesus,” he commented earnestly, daring these reporters to tell him otherwise.) Eastwood also hopes to cast Justin Timberlake as his teenage self and Kate Upton as his first wife, Maggie Johnson. He plans to play himself from age 34 onward. “Justin and I have similar complexions,” he said.

With decades of experience under his belt, Eastwood recognizes that movies aren’t simply made, and despite his immense fortune, he knows he must find additional sources of funding. He has solicited donations from the Koch Brothers, who in return insisted on a 30-minute segment within in the film detailing the evils of modern liberalism, social reform and our “commie Muslim president.” He also plans to ask Richard Hayne, the founder and CEO of Urban Outfitters, for donations. “The kids love urban, so if urban clothes are used in the movie, by the transitive property, kids will love me,” Eastwood said.

So far, critics have seemed skeptical of the film’s concept, complaining about the script’s “inaccuracy and factual embellishments” and calling Eastwood a “washed-up egoist.” Eastwood told us: “Listen. This is a movie about me. I’m basically America. If these folks don’t like me, all they’re doing is helping the terrorists.”

Although Eastwood is confident about the film’s prospects, he doesn’t seem to have America’s moviegoers convinced of its inevitable success. But he remains confident. “Every once in a while, people doubt my abilities and my films,” he said. “I say it all comes down to luck. And do I feel lucky? Sure as hell I do.”