The Knightly News

There are a lot of religions in this world, and each religion has a different view on the big G-O-D. Indians believe in a ton of Gods, like this four-faced one I saw in my friend’s house once. She’s weird and puts Christmas lights up really early. Jews and Christians believe in one God, while Christians also believe in the poor guy stuck to planks or something. Buddhists believe in that happy chubby guy on display in P.F. Chang’s. Well, these Gods are nice and all, but I am here to set the record straight. There is one God, and she should be worshipped for the almighty inhuman being that she truly is. This God, living on this planet on this earth at this very moment, goes by the name Miley Cyrus.

Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana. She is one body but two people. How could a normal human being transform from a brown-haired country gal to a blonde-haired pop star without anyone knowing? And face it, what human being could possible almost marry Liam Hemsworth? To marry Liam would be impressive, but to almost marry him? You have to be a God to get that close to perfection and then walk away.

OK, need more evidence? Well, as conveniently defined by Urban Dictionary, God is “the most popular star in human history. Loved, hated, or talked about by almost every person ever walked on earth.” OK, “popular star”? Her most watched video on YouTube, “Wrecking Ball,” has like over seven hundred MILLION views! There are 1.2 billion kids in the world, which means more than half of the world’s population of five-to-14-year-olds has seen Miley seductively licking hammers and swinging on a wrecking ball, sometimes clothed (but mostly not). Five-hundred million of these kids have witnessed Miley’s charming performance in her second most watched video, “We Can’t Stop,” in which she sticks out her unnaturally long tongue 11 times, twerks seven times, slaps a woman’s behind three times, makes out with a doll in a swimming pool (using that tongue, of course), and preaches that it is OK to “dance with Molly” and “get a line in the bathroom,” because “can’t you see it’s we who bout that life?” No human could offer words of such wisdom. So, to continue with the definition, is Miley “talked about by almost every person”? Uh, did you see the news about gay marriage becoming legal in New Jersey in October 2013? Of course you didn’t! Everyone was still talking about Miley’s performance at the Video Music Award’s. No world news could match Miley’s half-naked thrusting! On that very special day, Miley taught us that while humans greet each other with a kiss on the cheek, we should instead greet each other with cheeks of a different sort. For wisdom such as this, Miley is loved by girls and boys around the world, and hated only by overprotective parents who care too much for their children’s innocence and morality. Clearly she is a God by definition.

Kids fell in love with Miley Cyrus when she worked for Disney, and when she preached that “nobody’s perfect” and to “keep climbing” and never give up in life. But it is clearly totally 100 percent obvious that the new Miley deserves more than love—she deserves worship. Although half of the world’s child population has already learned that licking hammers is OK and that less clothing is actually more, we kids need to spread the word to future generations. We cannot listen to our parents and their beliefs, because our rightful God has taught us that every moral that we have grown up to believe is wrong. Partying, drinking, smoking, snorting, stripping, licking, solo pornography-ing—it is all OK! This is the future! A world of Miley’s is our future. So thank you, God, and I pray that thine wisdom be spread to young children throughout this land so that they will grow to worship you and emulate your purity.