—By Julia Bannon and Elise Gorberg—

Prom: the pinnacle of the high school experience, what separates the strong from the weak, the boys from the men, and the stylish from the…never mind.  Juniors anticipate this event with every passing day, especially the dress-buying process, so to ruin that experience for so many is simply wrong.  That’s why, right here, right now, I would like to warn that if you are not in my grade and you see my dress, I will not hesitate to slay you.

I mean let’s lay it out straight—buying a prom dress requires the utmost secrecy.  You go to a store (filled with strangers) and look at dresses (that other strangers are looking at), then go to a dressing room and try one on.  If you like it, you walk out of the dressing room to show your mom (and all the other strangers in the dressing rooms).   So obviously, when I post a picture of me in my dress to a Facebook group filled with the 400 people in my grade, each of whom is my close personal friend, I DO NOT want the entitled, nosy seniors seeing it and giving me compliments.  Period.

I mean, it’s just common sense.  The group is called “North Junior Prom Dresses,”  so it’s basically our exclusive club.  Frankly, it just makes me uncomfortable that these strange senior girls have access to such personal pictures of me and my peers.

And this is all not to mention that the senior girls literally get everything they want!  Why is it so hard to understand that for once we juniors just want something to ourselves.  Like, literally.  2015 got to go to the aquarium.  2015 came to our freshman formal.  2015 doesn’t even have to take the PARCC test.  And now they have the audacity to invade our most exclusive and meaningful sanctum?  I don’t think so!

And to the seniors who say that they “aren’t going to leave anyway” and use big words like “ad hominem,” we have a few words for you, too.  First of all, your elevated vocabulary makes you seem like annoying know-it-alls, and second, your efforts to make us feel dumb aren’t helping your case.  Your refusal to accept our wish for you to kindly dismiss yourselves from our group is rude, and we just aren’t into it at all.

I mean, seriously!  This is J Prom, it’s not a joke!  So, to the seniors in the group, and I mean this in the nicest way possible: get out.  And to the juniors, if you are one of the people adding friends from other grades, please just don’t.

Phew!  I’m glad that’s out of the way!  Now that we all know our places in this system, all us junior girlies can go back to focusing on spreading the love for all of our stunning dresses! Love you, guys!

The Satirist parodies issues that affect North’s student body.  The intent of this column is to use humor to make light social criticisms.  The content should not be taken literally. 

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