Headlines Opinion Satire

The nine circles of scheduling hell

By: Sarah Hudes

Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy tells the story of Dante’s journey through hell, where he must pass through its nine different circles.

1st Circle of Hell: Summer

It is 4:32 PM on August 26th, and it is your first time logging onto Genesis since late June.  An intense rush of vehement hatred comes over you as you remember the hazy spell of distress school causes.  Your schedule appears on your looming screen, and you let out a sharp shriek as you realize you have Mr. Inferno for language arts.  I have got to get out of this class even if it’s the last thing I do, you think somberly.  The one-week wait until the first day of school is almost unbearable.

2nd Circle of Hell: Getting to class

The first day of school finally arrives and Mr. Inferno nefariously inflicts a pop essay.  This situation is worse than you thought.  Four days later, you hesitantly check Genesis and see the grade.  You are doomed.  You must get out immediately.

3rd Circle of Hell: The line

The descent into Hell is not an easy one.  The third circle only permits those willing to sacrifice everything.  Determination is key, and boy, are you determined.  You take a deep breath as you join the line of others who hold dear in hopes of a new beginning.

4th Circle of Hell: MR. JAMES

As you approach the entrance (you’re so gosh darn close), you are stopped.  A man with a dark, wise beard stops you.

“Halt, young one.”

You reply, “Wait, are you the Mr. James or are you that guy from study hall who looks exactly like him?”  Your unwaveringly witty comment allows you to pass unscathed.

5th Circle of Hell: The guidance counselor

Only those with a violent hunger for success make it to this point.  This is perhaps the most difficult stage in your journey.  While on the outside guidance counselors appear to be kind, affectionate creatures, they hold power.  You must not fall into their trap.  Perseverance is key if you ever wish to have an A again.

6th Circle of Hell: The printing of your new schedule

You’re lucky if you even get to this stage.  Your eye twitches as you see your brand spanking new schedule inch out of the printer.  The anxiety you have felt for too long has finally vanished.

7th Circle of Hell: Finding out that your grades carry over from your old class

You check Genesis again, expecting to see a blank LA grade.  It’s not.  A feeling of remorse and disappointment passes over your soul.  You cannot help but wonder whether you would have been better off sticking with Mr. Inferno.

8th Circle of Hell: The next day

The time has finally come for you to once again be content and successful.  Yet one step into the classroom, the same nauseating feelings of contempt come haunting back.  Your new teacher, Mrs. Dante, hands you eight torturous packets of make-up work.  Which now leads you to the last Circle of Hell:

9th Circle of Hell: Regret


The Satirist parodies issues that affect North’s student body. The intent of this colum is to use humor to make light social crticism. The content should not be taken literally. 

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