The Knightly News

—by Danielle Brubaker & Emma Killeen—

Chuck E. Cheese employee gets attacked by adults

I always knew there was something sketchy about Chuck E. Cheese, and this week’s news has finally proven me right. During her child’s birthday party, a mother went to complain about a broken photo booth. After he told her he would help her shortly, the woman’s boyfriend head-butted the manager, which started a full-scale brawl. After that, five others joined in on the attack. A teenage girl who had attempted to call 911 was knocked unconscious by one of the assailants. Six of the employees were injured, two of whom were critically injured.

Teenagers get arrested after stealing a goat for promposal

Asking someone to Prom is always a big deal, but I would never have thought that a goat could be involved. As a promposal, a teenage boy in Georgia planned to steal a goat to help him ask the girl out, but of course, the family missed its beloved pet and called the police to search for the goat nappers. After finding the felon and his friends, the police were not pleased with his reasoning: He wanted to say, “Would you goat to prom with me?”

Because three of the criminals are adults, they are being tried with livestock theft, which is apparently a thing. Thankfully, the goat, whose name is Chip, is now safe at home and unharmed.

Man tries to steal car; knocks himself out with brick

There are moments when I truly doubt the validity of evolution. We humans went to the moon. We cured polio. We engineered nuclear weapons. Yet this week, a member of our distinguished species hit himself in the face with a brick while trying to steal a car. If that isn’t karma, then I don’t know what is.

He had thrown a brick at the window of a car in an attempt to break in and steal it. It backfired drastically, and the owner of a nearby pub found him bloody on the ground, and\ then attempted to blackmail him.

Brick: 1 Man: 0

Man attempts to smuggle a dwarf in plane luggage

Smuggling drugs, typical. Weapons, happens all the time. But a dwarf? However, this wasn’t just any dwarf—supposedly he was known for being a very skilled thief. Above is the suitcase that the midget traveled in while crossing the border from the UK to Romania.

The smuggler (a friend of the midget) posted in a private message on Facebook to other Romanians living in the UK about his mission and asked for help. In his message, he made sure to add, “But I won’t go into details! He is being looked for and wants to go back to Romania.”

The police began investigating after they heard complaints about the man’s odd requests on social media. Rather than getting advice from his followers on Facebook, the smuggler received comments like, “Are you serious?” and “How stupid can you be to ask that?”

The midget is still on the run, so next time you go the airport, make sure there isn’t a thief in your suitcase.

Baby cow saved by heroic hot tub

Superman has nothing on this hot tub. Just after being born, a baby cow, Leroy, was left freezing in the snow. But not for long; a hot tub came to save the day. Well, Leroy used his farmer as transportation, but who is the real hero, here?

While being held in the hot, bubbling water, Leroy began to warm up. To ensure that this cow didn’t suffer hypothermia, he was even wrapped in electric blankets. Now Leroy is recovering, but his farmer (trying to act like he’s the savior) told ABC that he is going to keep working towards protecting his precious cow. Leroy is  “done hot-tubbing” but “sunbathing is definitely in his future,” the farmer said.