Opinion

To those interested in Bleak College

To those interested in Bleak College,

In the rare event that a student at Bleak College in Short Comings, PA, graduates, he will have a 3 percent chance of getting a job within his first year out of school, and will likely go on to work as a garbage man or as a driver of public transportation.

Despite our minimal resources and unforgiving housing conditions, students at Bleak have fostered a competitive, academic culture that has carried them into the world, well-equipped for undesirable occupations, which has led to a catchy slogan: “The Futureuture is Bleak!”  We at Bleak College see this information as representative of the go-getter attitude of students who attend, and we think you could fit in!

You are the most remarkably unremarkable student  we have encountered during our student search.  Throughout your lackluster high school career, you have received consistently mediocre grades, participated in absolutely no extracurricular activities, and done nothing to demonstrate even an infinitesimal amount of initiative or intelligence.  These qualities make you well-equipped and competitive in the realm of college searching.

Therefore, because we are so very interested in you as a student, we would like to offer you the chance to take our generic, commonplace quiz to find the college that is right for you.  Don’t miss out, because the only the entire population of American high school students has received this offer.

We believe that this quiz will help you discover which school is right for you.  At Bleak College, we are confident  you will  develop the experience necessary to kick off a disappointing and underwhelming career of boredom and stasis.  Remember to act fast, because you have a limited time—eight minutes, to be exact—to take the quiz before we send you another email asking you why you haven’t responded.

We hope that you continue to achieve inadequacy in your endeavors.

Sincerely,

Ann O’Yance

Dean of Admissions

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