An event that revolutionized not only West Windsor-Plainsboro, but the universe as well, began with a faint light on the horizon—I mean, on an iPhone screen. On a fateful morning, November 28, 2014, a student walked into North with his iPhone, sent a text message to his mom, and got a reply. Shocked by the phone buzzing in his hand, the student shifted his eyes toward the Wi-Fi symbol at the top right of his screen. Glowing ever so slightly was a white semicircle, a glimmer of hope—a connection.
With quickened heartbeat and a surge of adrenaline, the student bolted down the main hallway with his phone raised to the heavens and shouted, “THE WI-FI WORKS, IT WORKS, IT WORKS!!!” For an eternal moment, the 302 people chatting in the hallway ceased to speak. Then, in an air of confusion, each student opened his web-browser application and connected to the website that had been failing to load on his phone for the past three and a half years.
For a reason unexplainable by even the most ambitious scientists of our time, the Cisco routers lining North’s hallways began to function well enough not only to fill the bars of each student’s phone, but to literally change the definition of the word “fast.”
With YouTube functioning, students are now able to imbed informational videos in their PowerPoints and show their friends the idiotic Vines they found on the Internet the night before. In only eight days, North students’ average test scores improved by 200 percent, boosted by the newfound ability to Google information on confusing topics.
But the fast Internet has led to more than just educational productivity. On February 8, the softball, lacrosse and soccer fields behind the school were replaced by eight family-owned Internet cafés that have made their owners the wealthiest individuals in world history. Furthermore, Cisco and Nike equipped the conventional running shoe with roller-blades that allow anyone with $350 to travel faster than the speed of light.
This miracle has had unfortunate consequences, however, as every train station in the United States closed on March 1st due to drastically low turnout. Moreover, the new hit show The Flash on the CW has been cancelled, because the concept of a man who can travel at 299,792,458 miles per hour is no longer a novel idea.
Surpassing all other changes, the most influential effect on North’s routers is the sudden possibility of space travel. With routers replacing jet engines, rocket ships can now travel 600,000,000 miles per hour with minimal fuel consumption. After reaching the planet Kepler 438-b in only three hours, NASA determined that the planet is inhabitable and plans for the population of North to be its first colony.
Instead of visiting Disney World, the Class of 2016 will now travel 470 light-years to Kepler 438-b to start the first extra-terrestrial society. Students are advised to bring their iPhones so they can watch Interstellar on the trip over—and appreciate the irony of the fact that those once crappy North routers made intergalactic travel possible.